By: Ashley VanYperen, MFT Intern at LVT

ONE in FOUR women have experienced a pregnancy loss.

It's hard to know what to say, right? I think we understand that most people are coming from a good place in their heart but just don’t know what to say…

Here are some examples of what NOT to say (which-by the way-have ACTUALLY been said to moms):

·       “The baby is in a better place.”

·       “At least you didn’t have to get to know her and then lose her.”

·       “At least you weren’t THAT pregnant.”

·       “He is so handsome! At least you would never know he had a heart condition.”

·       “At least you’re still young… You can try again!”

·       “You aren’t going to cry on me, are you?”

·       “You can try again, it’s not a big deal!”

·       “At least you were not THAT far along.”

·       “At least you were able to get pregnant.”

·       “There had to be something wrong with your baby.”

We know that no one wants to add to these mamas pain. So, here are some ideas of what you can say/do instead:

·       "It makes sense that you are having such a hard time, this pregnancy/baby/dream (use their words) was so meaningful to you."

·       "I'm here for you."

·       If the baby had a name, use the name and ask questions.

·       “All she ever knew was the love and warmth of being in your belly.”

·       “Your baby will always be with you.”

·       “You are not alone.”

·       “It’s not your fault.”

·       “I’ve been there, and your pain matters”

·       If nothing else, just sit with them while they cry... Hug them, hold them, wait.

Of course, we are all human and sometimes we won’t always know the “right” thing to say. Grief and loss are such heavy topics that can feel overwhelming at times. Acknowledge that you will feel uncomfortable and reassure yourself that is totally okay. It's okay for them to be sad, AND for you to feel uncomfortable.

I think society programs us that we're supposed to be happy ALL the time and comfortable ALL the time. I don’t know about you, but for me, that is just absolutely not possible. I also don’t think that it’s healthy. I think that we need to honor our heavy, painful and not so pretty emotions. I firmly believe that it is one of the most essential parts of the healing process.

You can't “Prime Now” grief. It's a process and it is not one that we need to rescue people from.